Why is he Bleeding
by Lily MJ Fae
Summary: This was written for round 13 of Quidditch last year. Pretty sure it could be considered a crack fic. Definitely just a funny little drabble
_**A/N:**_ _Round 13 submission for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. Prompt: Write anything._

 _Keeper for the bats._

 _Just a fun drabble._

 _Final word count: 943_

Hermione walked into her dining room to see her handing her best friend a towel to stop the blood in his nose.

"Why is he bleeding," she asked, as calmly as she could.

"Because he's an idiot," her husband responded in his usual tone.

"I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose," she said as she walked over and took the towel from her friend and blotted gently to help clean up the blood.

"I think it's a new phenomenon."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Harry, do you mind telling me why you're bleeding?"

"Well, your husband punched me."

"And why would he do that," she asked as she handed the towel to her husband, giving him a raised eyebrow.

"I asked him how he could possibly knock you up. I mean, we get that you married him, and finally accepted that. But, I mean, don't you think he's a little old to have...to do...I mean that you guys-"

"That we have incredibly passionate sex and I'm pregnant."

Harry flushed red, "Look, he's our old professor. You can't expect me to be okay with you and him in that way."

"Harry, you're married to Luna right?"

"Yes."

"And you two have sex, right?"

"Yes."

"And she's pregnant, right?"

"Yes."

"What else did you expect me to do when I decided to get married? You love Luna. I love Severus. We're going to be happy. Just like you and Luna."

"But it's not the same. I mean, he terrorized us for the better part of our school years-"

"Harry, when you broke up with Ginny, weren't Molly and Ron furious? Didn't they try pushing you together every chance they got, until you and Ginny finally told them to back off?"

"Well, yea but-"

"And when you started dating Luna, didn't Molly and Ron start tearing into you again? Didn't they demand to know how you could be with such an air head with nonsense ideas instead of their brilliant girl who played quidditch for a living?"

"Yea, I guess, but-"

"But nothing Harry. I fell in love with Severus. I don't care if we seem an odd or disgusting match to anyone. The only persons opinion that matters to me, is his. And last I checked, we're happy," she said as she reached and pulled her husband in for a hug. "He makes me happy Harry. I know that everyone thought I should be with Ron, but really, Ron and I are just too different. It never would have worked."

"Hermione, how could you know that, you never gave him a chance."

"Actually I did. When we were staying in Grimmauld Place, we secretly dated. And I know he's changed since then, but he'll never be an intellectual. All he cared to talk about was quidditch, and you know how I feel about it. And I gave him another chance after we kissed during the battle."

"What happened then."

"Harry, please just let it go."

"No, what happened?"

"He tried pushing me to do things. I told him no. He slapped me one night when he was drunk. I ended it. And I'm not going back. Severus treats me right. And yes, things were awkward at first. But he's a good man. And I love him."

Harry stared at the couple, as his best friend kissed her husband, and his former professor hugged her right before leaving them alone in the dining room.

"Harry, I really need you to try. I'm not asking for your immediate understanding. I'm not asking for your acceptance. But I'm asking you to at least try. You're my best friend. You're like a brother to me. Luna understands and accepts it. It's actually quite surprising. But I realize it's going to take time. I just need you to promise to try."

"I-I guess I could try."

"Thank you," Hermione said as she hugged him. "Now, Severus, get your ass back in here and apologize for punching Harry."

Her husband walked in, glaring in his usual way.

"I will not apologize to someone who insulted my manhood."

"Insulted, Harry, did you really insult my husband's penis?"

Both men's jaws dropped open.

"What? It's a word. The correct word."

"Can we please not be so blunt in front of the boy that made teaching so difficult."

"I thought I made it difficult," Hermione teased.

"Only because it seemed like I couldn't teach you anything."

"Well, you're still apologizing."

"No."

"Harry, apologize for insulting my husband's _manhood_."

"Fine. I'm sorry for saying that I was surprised you could," Harry began mumbling, making his words difficult to understand, "get it up at all."

"You said that to him? I don't know, you might have deserved that punch."

"Oh come on."

"Alright, Severus, you really should apologize. You're older and should know better."

"I'm not a child, Hermione. Do not speak to me like I am."

"Then just apologize," she said with a faux innocent look.

He rolled his eyes, "You'll pay for this later, witch. Potter, I'm sorry I punched you. But if you ever insult me again, I'm make sure you realize how wrong you are. I don't know how, but I will."

"Severus, apologies do not include threats to mentally scar my friends."

But he had already walked out of the room.

"So, you're really pregnant?"

"Yes, Harry, I am. And it looks like I'll have to talk to Luna about keeping secrets. She wasn't supposed to say anything."

"Well, she does live in her own world most days. And the hormones have kind of upped that."

"Go home, Harry. Take care of your wife."


End file.
